i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
