dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
