I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Is it penis luge time yet?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
