My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
