i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Let's paint friendship bongs
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
