So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
