the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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