I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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