there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize