just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
