you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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