If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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