one two three fourrrrnication!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
