you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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