Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
