asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
