Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Four minutes until I can fart!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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