I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
