I think I died a long time ago.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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