Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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