in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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