I wish my penis had an off switch
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
