i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
