I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
