put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My underwear smells like fireworks.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
