Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You peed on a flamingo?!?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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