Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
