i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
