He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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