Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
