I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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