i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
