Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
