I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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