i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
God, I missed his penis.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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