Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
