I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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