Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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