HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
