The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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