I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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