we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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