My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
