Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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