i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
