i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
