If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
