I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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