Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
sarcasm needs its own font
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize