took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
