My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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