break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
