I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
