Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
