WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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