Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
