Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
