At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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