Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
